NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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