Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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