So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
