I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
