I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
