bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
