Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
