Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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