Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
