When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
