i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
