did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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