Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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