just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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