First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
