I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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