omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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