I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I am midnight drunk by noon
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
