Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
