I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
