I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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