She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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