her vagina looked like bernie madoff
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
