Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
