can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
