saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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