so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I did not marry a roomba.
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