So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need to calm my uterus...
i think i just lost a toe
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
