We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
