Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
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Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He did a backflip because drugs
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