I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
