i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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