JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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