Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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