I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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