I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
