I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
