Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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