I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize