My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
