He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
