you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
