Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You made out with two different species that night
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
