I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
