Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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