Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
