If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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