This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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