If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
