battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
