Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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