So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
