I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
