So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
