you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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