My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
