??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
