I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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